a little preview.
…macDiarmid family…
it all began with this man, gran-dude.
(just in case you were wondering, the ground is covered with “puffs!” this was hilarious! if you look closely you can see puffs flying through the air!)
…leslie & harry…
after spending a few hours with them, i am convinced that together they will make the world a better place.
one day i want to go on your adventure, counseling, retreat thingy 
…orange wedesday…
confession.
“mom are you selfish?”
me: “well, sure manoah…”
and as i was about to open my mouth and confess my most recent selfish behavior, i stopped. i recalled the different scenarios from my week and starting defending my behavior… like i had a good excuse for being selfish: i was tired, or the kids were out of control, and sam was home late from work…
manoah interrupted my mental battle by saying, “so mom, like when i antagonize and hit, that is being selfish because i am not loving. (pause and deep sigh). sometimes i am selfish mom. and sometimes i am loving.”
and in his voice i could hear his disappointment. i could hear his internal struggle to understand his actions.
me: “yeah bud. me too… me too.”
his 3 year old confession is something i have a hard time doing everyday. confessing that i am wrong, owning up to my faults, saying that i am struggling, or that i need help. how is it that admitting to the truth can be so painfully difficult? why is it SO much easier to make excuses for my unloving behavior? …that saying sorry is the first lesson we learn in our lives and the hardest one to follow?
his little 3 year old brain blows me away. just the way he thinks, and connects the dots, and understands concepts that adults can hardly tackle. today in the car is the perfect example of how manoah moves me to be a better person. a better mom.
…orange wednesday…
walls.
i started taking pictures long before i held a camera. it began slowly. it was a journey more of my heart than of my hands. and looking back now, i think i have been a photographer my entire life, but i have only recently labeled it as so.
i’ve been taking pictures since i was a child and those aged photographs sit as wrinkled memories on the walls inside of me. some are clearer than others… edited and sharpened, framed and dusted. while others are yellow, soft in contrast, and untouched. all moments of my life that slowly became walls inside of me. the pictures left untouched were the unexplained experiences in my life… the picture of me in a purple dress standing in a kitchen full of people, afraid and alone. the picture of me weeping over the rejection of a friendship. the picture of me typing ferociously with blood dripping steadily unto the keyboard of my laptop. the picture of me sinking with the guilt of injuring another. guilt leaving stains that all the goodness in the world could not erase. and the less i understood these pictures, the more my walls grew and the more they haunted me. and i lived amidst their shadows. until the shadows became all the darkness around me.
and when you finally allow the darkness of your soul out from behind their hidden walls, a deep loneliness exists. a dark, starving, and painful loneliness. and i peered deep down into the wells of the walls of loneliness inside, i climbed in, and dropped down to find all that was within. and at the bottom, all the way down, i found me. the messy me that was loved by God. a big God who became little. a love that welcomed me into the abyss… so that i could be found. so that i could be free.
a love that gives voice to my silenced pictures. and i began to see and be seen. i began to see my life through the walls, not from buried beneath them. that the walls were merely layers of life… not for hiding, but for peeling back, seeing through, and seeing out. for finding and being found.
and once i found a way to see through the walls in me, i began to see through the walls in others, and well… i guess that’s when i decided i should buy a camera.
i suppose this would be my suggestion to any aspiring photographer: if you want to take beautiful pictures…to capture love, life, intimacy, and joy, then dive into the rawness of who you are and let your photography be inspired from that place.
(i had a dinner party with a few of my closest friends. as name cards i wrote a description of what i saw in each of them when i looked through my walls and into their walls. this is what my mom wrote about me. i’m telling you there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.)
thanks to the girls from HoopLa Events for creating the most beautiful dinner party. hanging mason jars with candles inside is everything i could have ever hoped for. and Camera Catering for the making food that made my taste buds dance.
an evening i will never ever forget.
by Anjuli
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